1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a car’s hood.
Male........The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male........Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male........A source of entertainment, self-statement and male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve..
Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.

Trees?

A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the police
arrived.

“My God!" the cop gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

CNN Late Breaking News!

It has been reported that Osama bin Laden was captured this morning at 4:22 AM Pacific Standard Time by US Special Forces.

The prime suspect of the recent terrorist attack on the World Trade Center in New York City, bin Laden was captured at gunpoint as he fled an underground passage in a remote mountainside of southern Afghanistan.

Northern Alliance troops, who witnessed the events unfold, explained that moments earlier United States war planes had sprayed liquid Viagra across the southern Afghanistan countryside, and the little prick just popped up!

VARNING: MinnySota Computir Virus

Ve haf just sent you da "NORVEGIAN VIRUS".

Since ve do not haf any programming experience and do not know how to actually damage your computer, dis Virus verks on da honor system.

Please forward dis Virus to eferyvone on your mailing list and den manually delete all of da files on your hard drive.

Tank you for your cooperation.

Sven and Ole

Were's The Fire?

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your firetruck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: You give the "birds and bees:" talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: You son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

• How do you catch a unique rabbit?
  Unique up on it.
• How do you catch a tame rabbit?
  Tame way, unique up on it.
• How do crazy people go through the forest?
  They take the psycho path.
• How do you get holy water?
  You boil the hell out of it.
• What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
  Dam!
• What do eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
  Polaroids
• What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
  A stick.
• What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
  Nacho cheese.
• What do you call santa's helpers?
  Subordinate clauses.
• What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
  Quatro sinko.
• What do you get from a pampered cow?
  Spoiled milk.
• What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
  Frostbite.
• What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
  A nervous wreck.
• What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
  Anyone can roast beef.
• Where do you find a dog with no legs?
  Right where you left him.
• . Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
  Because they have big fingers.
• Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
  Because it scares the dog.
• What kind of coffee was served on the titanic?
  Sanka.
• Why did pilgrims' pants always fall down?
  Because they wore their belt buckle on their hat.
• What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
  A bad golfer goes, whack, dang! A bad skydiver goes dang! Whack.
• How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
  Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
  

• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

• Money can be lost in more ways than won.

• Be true to thy teeth, and they will not be false to thee.

• Good judgment comes from experience ...and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

• Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

• Sex is not the answer. "Yes" is the answer. Sex is the question.

• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

• Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

• You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

The situation:

You are in the Middle East, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and structures destroyed.

Let's say that you're a photographer and getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes.

You come across Osama bin Laden who has been swept away by the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under for the last time.

You can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb.

So, here's the question and think carefully before you answer...

Which lens would you use?

NOTICE:

Building Security has notified us that there have been 4 suspected terrorists working at our office. Three of the four have been apprehended.

Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.

Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the office. Police are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

National Committee announced today...

that it is changing the Republican emblem from an elephant to a condom because it more clearly reflects the party's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others.

And, furthermore, it was reported today that at a White House staff meeting last week there was a heated discussion about the health of Vice President Cheney and his angina problem. President Bush interrupted and stated emphatically that "Men do not have anginas." The President was especially perplexed when a staffer said that Cheney has "acute angina."